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Roses. For Grace!
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*waves* Hey peeps...
I know my recent posts have been rather melancholy. Not sure if it would change...but i'll try my best to feel good when i post *wahahaha*
Niwaez...i was talking to a close friend recently...i was just telling him how unhappy i have been for a while...it seemed to me that things would never change for the better. den he reminded me that i havent been praying much, have been relaying too much on myself to solve the problems i have. he suggested a prayer...i dont remember the exact words...but it was about letting go...and trusting that the Lord knows what's best for me. then...i couldnt do it. i simply couldnt let go and relinquish control over such an impt part of my life...i told him that i couldnt do it. i was too afraid of losing what i so want to hold onto. his reasoning was that if i let go and still lost, den it was never meant to be mine in th e first place.
when i got home, which was abt 10min later, i took a shower, and in that small alcove in the recess of my home, (wa...i dunno where that came from) i thought things through whilst the water was pounding on me...(ok not pounding pounding...but actually streaming gently...*grinz* its my blog..i'm allowed to be drama) ok i lost my train of thought...wahahaha...serves me right for digressing...
ok...i was showering and thinking at the same time...not sure if i missed scrubbing anything (eeewwwwww) back to my story... i thought back to my conversation with my friend...and i realised that he's right...i really have three main choices...1) totally stop being with him, which i was not willing to, 2) put somemore effort into doing something abt things, like make more noise or talk to her or simply shift things around so that things would have a lesser chance of going wrong...(which i seem to be doing now...but with horrible results...and the problem with this option is that i would be making a decision to put in more of me, and probably coming out torn and tattered.) 3)let go. where i trust that the Lord would guide whatever happens because i relinquish control and trust Him... (this is the hardest but at the same time...also the easiest)
seeing my options laid out b4 me, i took the most logical...no.3...and i prayed. i prayed that He'd guide me, show me what i need to see, to make the decision best for me. show me what i need to do to make things better than they are, show me what is real, and what is my own speculation, and to give me the strength i need, to do what i must. well...i also hoped that it would hurt me as much as the other time...heh (wat? i'm human ok)
i envisioned handing over my all to him...i had an image in my mind...where i stretched out both hands cupped together and there was an infant in my hands...(ok this wasn't drama) the infant was curled up and sleeping peacefully...and i simply stretched out my hands. (alright...this so isnt funny k...i'm not losing my mind!)
since that day...i felt so much better abt things...to me...everything which happens now would be not of my control...but what is best for me. He would never hurt me...and i can only think of the good in my decision...u see...this way, i would know if 1) being with this person was really what i was meant to do. 2) she was really up to something funny or if its my own any-how-think-ness...*LOL* 3) i can trust him 4) anything happens...it would be not be of my doing but theirs.
maybe i made too much noise, maybe i thought too much, maybe i expected too much, and maybe i tried too hard. i know i've lowered my expectations so much that i find it hard to link the person i am now to the person i was b4 (but with no regrets). i've always loved with my all, and now's no different. all i want now is someone who's strong enough to match me emotion for emotion, action for words given, and the good sense to know what should be done when needed. (come on la...i hear u say...) i'm not looking for someone perfect, just someone who tries hard enough. i know that i'm worth it. and i'm gonna prove it. there's a passage in the bible which says that giving in too much is a sin...*LOL* can u believe that? i'm sure that i'm not exactly committing that sin and i do not want to start.
however i am gonna serve up a peace offering...my friendship. i always felt that it was the most impt something i could give to people outside the family-by-nature. i'm offering my friendship to her and trying my best to be nice. (which means i'll try not to imagine 1001 ways to slap her face...*LOL* never said i was perfect k...) i'm gonna put in more effort to get to know her better. and if it still doesnt work, and she still doesnt respect me enough to learn what's off limits...its not my fault anymore...*shrugz* i'd have tried.
as for him...he still has a long way to go to prove to me that he's worth staying with...tolerating my nonsense isnt the way to go...if i'm wrong, i'm wrong. dont back down from a fight just coz u dont like it. i'd never learn that way. and if i'm right, acknowledge it like a man. i dont like wusses. if u cant take it...den u aint the man i need. *raises one eyebrow* (i can do it k...the raising eyebrow thingy i mean...*grinz*) i always say that actions speak louder than words...saying isnt really gonna do much unless ur actions fit ur words... and that goes for everyone reading this post...saying the 3 words aint gonna mean anything unless u show the person that u truely mean it.
well...my bathroom has always been a sort of peace santury for me...not that i love being naked and all...but because no one would come into the bathroom and intrude on my private thoughts. at least no one physically...its a wonder i came up with all these eh...
actually i took several days...*LOL* but was simply too lazy to type it all down...
Hakunamatata...wat a wonderful word...it means no worries for the rest of ur days...its a problem-free philosopy...hakunamatata. *waves*
I'm annoying at times and too stubborn for my own good
~ Likes ~Just about everything which makes me smile. Esp, Magic. Charmed does it for me all the time.
~ Loves ~Food. Yum. o and sports, reading,music,annoying people.*grinz*
~ Hates ~Shan't mention it.
~ Wishes ~Magic to be in everyone's lives and Well..the world would look better if i lost 5kg so i guess i wish i'd lose the damn 5kg already. Ha~