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Saturday, February 24, 2007
Mean mean great big machine>
Today, i behaved a lil mean at someone...
Wahahaha...but i got to say that i was enjoying every minute of it. *grinz* and besides...i was only a lil mean...and if that person wasnt trying to be funny..why look away? *ROFL* at this point WL will prob say "diao" and like give the stupid face he's so capable of giving...*LOL*
niwaez...i'm glad i did wat i did...*grinz* its like..hey...i'm onto you...and now u know it too. Awesome...let the games begin...
O...regarding what we were talking abt earlier...no WL..its NOT over u...i refuse to give u that satisfaction...after all i'm doing the suffering silently thingy...*LOL* thou i'm not too good at the silently part...but still...dont inflate the ego too much...it'll only make a louder sound when burst! *GRINZ* and its SOOOO fun. *rolls eyes*
i was doing WL's present. jeez...i do hope he likes it. *swallows visibly* if he doesnt...*shakes head* lets not comtemplate (hey WL...this word remember?) that possibility. well...i gtg now...will post a picture if i'm not too tired. bah. Tata
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
A dash of this and that.>
WL's Year...the year of the Pig...
*grin* as much as i dont wanna be mean...it kinda fitting eh? *LOL* I also know others born in the year of the pig, who totally were born in the right year. wahahaha...ya ya...i'm evil.
niwaez...enough of saying things i could be shot for...
CNY this year was full of surprises. I didnt look too fat in my outfit. *LOL* maybe just too plump. My cousins sorta grew up w/o me knowing. They all came and they didnt turn my house up-side down. *grinz* they used to make an absoulte mess. make-ups became thinner, more skillfully applied, dressing became more tasteful...although there was this one outfit i tot looked horried but i applaud the person for wearing it. *wink* the horde this year wasnt that bad. i got pineapple tarts, prawn rolls, egg rolls, peanut tarts....etc...it's simply awesome to see my table laden with foodstuff. *grinz* o the other horde wasnt that bad either *hoots*as usual...when gorgeous people get together...there's camera whoring.. *wink*and as much as dark rooms were fun to be in (to see what develops, woohoo) the digital ones are much more fun to play with...instant gratification. *nodz*here's what we have...
That's my aunt, me and her daughter. Just my cuz, sis me and another cuz.
Brenda and me Brenda and Erza doesnt it look like a plaster on his pants?
Gramps and me The ones who crap along...*LOL*
Tongue anyone? *Laughs* Female power
More cousins And these are some of the pic i got from WL. The ones we didn't see for V-dae. Yup.
And thats all folks. Hong bao yi ge lai!
Thursday, February 15, 2007
Valentine's Day and the Karma Sutra>
I gave my first time to WL...and Tso...and Mel! *grinz*Ever had the karma sutra incorporated into ur dining experience? Well...the first time i experienced that, i was with the above mentioned people...*shakes head* tsk tsk...wat were u thinking? As the pictures will show later...although not clearly as they were kinda taken with my mobile camera...
the first one is what we concluded as the "only if u can do the spilt" move. Looks really tough...but i guess if the girl were flexible enough, like a dancer, and slim enough like mel...and the guy, strong enough to hold the girl in place...then the move shouldn't be too difficult...right? thats also prob why mel and tso got the plate with that move depicted.The second one was wat mel jovially termed "doggy". WL and i got that plate instead...The waiter prob thought WL was a butt man...considering the size of mine...i'd think the waiter hit the jackpot. *grinz evily* niwaez...dinner was fun with a whole lot of laughs and stories. just like it should be with friends. you...niwaez...there's dessert...Yum...and i got mel a flower and tso a fishy. Yup. i did...the picture proves it. more pictures when i get them. now the eyes cant focus. time to go. tata.
This was dessert. i like.....
Appetiser...chicken essence soup...literately...and stuffed squid, with spinish and shitake. geez.
Tahts the after dinner gift and the flower and fish i got for mel and tso. anything else...next time...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz*face falls flat on keyboard,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,*
Sunday, February 11, 2007
Ready, Get Set, Let Go>
*waves* Hey peeps...
I know my recent posts have been rather melancholy. Not sure if it would change...but i'll try my best to feel good when i post *wahahaha*
Niwaez...i was talking to a close friend recently...i was just telling him how unhappy i have been for a while...it seemed to me that things would never change for the better. den he reminded me that i havent been praying much, have been relaying too much on myself to solve the problems i have. he suggested a prayer...i dont remember the exact words...but it was about letting go...and trusting that the Lord knows what's best for me. then...i couldnt do it. i simply couldnt let go and relinquish control over such an impt part of my life...i told him that i couldnt do it. i was too afraid of losing what i so want to hold onto. his reasoning was that if i let go and still lost, den it was never meant to be mine in th e first place.
when i got home, which was abt 10min later, i took a shower, and in that small alcove in the recess of my home, (wa...i dunno where that came from) i thought things through whilst the water was pounding on me...(ok not pounding pounding...but actually streaming gently...*grinz* its my blog..i'm allowed to be drama) ok i lost my train of thought...wahahaha...serves me right for digressing...
ok...i was showering and thinking at the same time...not sure if i missed scrubbing anything (eeewwwwww) back to my story... i thought back to my conversation with my friend...and i realised that he's right...i really have three main choices...1) totally stop being with him, which i was not willing to, 2) put somemore effort into doing something abt things, like make more noise or talk to her or simply shift things around so that things would have a lesser chance of going wrong...(which i seem to be doing now...but with horrible results...and the problem with this option is that i would be making a decision to put in more of me, and probably coming out torn and tattered.) 3)let go. where i trust that the Lord would guide whatever happens because i relinquish control and trust Him... (this is the hardest but at the same time...also the easiest)
seeing my options laid out b4 me, i took the most logical...no.3...and i prayed. i prayed that He'd guide me, show me what i need to see, to make the decision best for me. show me what i need to do to make things better than they are, show me what is real, and what is my own speculation, and to give me the strength i need, to do what i must. well...i also hoped that it would hurt me as much as the other time...heh (wat? i'm human ok)
i envisioned handing over my all to him...i had an image in my mind...where i stretched out both hands cupped together and there was an infant in my hands...(ok this wasn't drama) the infant was curled up and sleeping peacefully...and i simply stretched out my hands. (alright...this so isnt funny k...i'm not losing my mind!)
since that day...i felt so much better abt things...to me...everything which happens now would be not of my control...but what is best for me. He would never hurt me...and i can only think of the good in my decision...u see...this way, i would know if 1) being with this person was really what i was meant to do. 2) she was really up to something funny or if its my own any-how-think-ness...*LOL* 3) i can trust him 4) anything happens...it would be not be of my doing but theirs.
maybe i made too much noise, maybe i thought too much, maybe i expected too much, and maybe i tried too hard. i know i've lowered my expectations so much that i find it hard to link the person i am now to the person i was b4 (but with no regrets). i've always loved with my all, and now's no different. all i want now is someone who's strong enough to match me emotion for emotion, action for words given, and the good sense to know what should be done when needed. (come on la...i hear u say...) i'm not looking for someone perfect, just someone who tries hard enough. i know that i'm worth it. and i'm gonna prove it. there's a passage in the bible which says that giving in too much is a sin...*LOL* can u believe that? i'm sure that i'm not exactly committing that sin and i do not want to start.
however i am gonna serve up a peace offering...my friendship. i always felt that it was the most impt something i could give to people outside the family-by-nature. i'm offering my friendship to her and trying my best to be nice. (which means i'll try not to imagine 1001 ways to slap her face...*LOL* never said i was perfect k...) i'm gonna put in more effort to get to know her better. and if it still doesnt work, and she still doesnt respect me enough to learn what's off limits...its not my fault anymore...*shrugz* i'd have tried.
as for him...he still has a long way to go to prove to me that he's worth staying with...tolerating my nonsense isnt the way to go...if i'm wrong, i'm wrong. dont back down from a fight just coz u dont like it. i'd never learn that way. and if i'm right, acknowledge it like a man. i dont like wusses. if u cant take it...den u aint the man i need. *raises one eyebrow* (i can do it k...the raising eyebrow thingy i mean...*grinz*) i always say that actions speak louder than words...saying isnt really gonna do much unless ur actions fit ur words... and that goes for everyone reading this post...saying the 3 words aint gonna mean anything unless u show the person that u truely mean it.
well...my bathroom has always been a sort of peace santury for me...not that i love being naked and all...but because no one would come into the bathroom and intrude on my private thoughts. at least no one physically...its a wonder i came up with all these eh...
actually i took several days...*LOL* but was simply too lazy to type it all down...
Hakunamatata...wat a wonderful word...it means no worries for the rest of ur days...its a problem-free philosopy...hakunamatata. *waves*
Tuesday, February 06, 2007
Beyond Words>
I did something i'm not sure i should have done. Said words i'm not sure i should have said. I got a reastion i was expecting, and consequence s i'm afraid i wont be able to bear. No words can signify the remorse, neither can it make things better. Sorry doesnt work anymore. i need to trust. but i find it so hard to. I used to trust. until the time when wat i felt needed to be done, wasnt done.
do i expect a lot? is it my fault? i dont feel like i've done anything wrong. yet at the same time, i know i have wronged. maybe i shouldnt have doubted when there was no reason to. have i really crossed a line i cannot turn back to? was i really so wrong to wish that you would stand up to her and make her respect me? was i so wrong to want her to know i never did anything to harm her, nor did i choose the way life works?
i hate knowing i let her get to me this way. i hate knowing i cannot trust u when it comes to her. and i hate knowing that right now, u turned away from me because of my obsession of her.
i have a million apologies to send, but will u accept them?
Sunday, February 04, 2007
The nightmare before FYP>
I had a dream.
not one where it was all peachy, but one where i got to say what i wanted, to a person i'll never say it to. nope it wasnt a declaration of love or anything...but a confrontation. And nope it wasnt with WL...
I dont remember exactly wat was in the dream...but i do remember the person and the topic...i cannot begin to describe to u how it felt to finally be able to let all those pent up feelings go. if the phase "shoulders sagged with relief" were to be used...mine would have gone all the way to the other side of the earth! it felt great screaming at the person. almost too great. i remember being so angry i cried. i remember emptying all that unhappiness and resentment. and finally, i remembered turning around and not bothering with that person.
Now that its daylight, i know that the incident wont happen. but i'm glad my dream got it out of my system. i've said my piece, learnt that its not worth being so petty, and i also learnt that if i cannot trust someone dear to me...i can either learn how to, or help the dear person to. hopefully at the end of this incident, i'll learn something so valuable i'll never forget it. Trust is fragile, but its not vulnerable enough to let me break it stupidly. i will not apologise for what i feel, there were reasons for me to feel that way. and i will not apologise for reacting the way i did. its only me. but i will apologise for not trusting, and i will thank this dear person for continuously trying. the coming week will be trying. and i hope that it wont prove disaterous. as i will so mote it be. *grinz* i've been wanting to use that. tata.
Thursday, February 01, 2007
Mama's words, grapes, birthday suit.>
I've never been much of a good girl. Neither have i been i mama's girl. But, there is one thing i do. i remember my mom's words and i take them to heart. She wont hurt me, neither would she want to do anything to destroy me...so...i listen, although i dont always let her know it.
She said something which greatly disturbed me today. However, her words were very similar to how i feel abt the same subject. I used to think that i was being over-sensitive. That i was bias and not rational. Her words today made me realised what i should have done right from the very beginning. Trust myself, trust my intuition.
Sour grapes has always been something i grapple with. people alwaus seem to have more than me, be better than me...do the things i wanna do but cant, experience the stuff i wanna try but cant, and be the person i wanna be but am not. This time, its not simply sour grapes like i thought it was...this time, i know that my observations are not off base. That its not me.
When 2 people get together,they either make it or they dont. i dunno the odds, but i'm guessing that the ones who make it aint that high on the percentage scale. But, when 2 people come together, whether as friends or otherwise, and u see that they not only have chemistry, and friendship, but also love and trust, what would u think?
How about when u know that the person u love doesnt really love u the way u need him to? or when u feel like he loves someone else, but is with u because it has become a habit that is hard to break? What would u do? If u know that the person u love hasnt realised that he loves someone else instead? What will you do? What can u do?
i wanna see the man i love happy. but what if i know that being with me doesnt make him happy. but instead tires him out from the squabblings and the disagreements? What if i know someone else who'd be perfect for him, in terms of size, and chemistry and importance in his life? What if? What should i do?
I dont feel like i'm important to someone, i dont feel like people respect who i am. I'm beginning to forget what it feels like to be loved and pampered, what it feels like to be cherished and taken care of. I'm beginning to stop feeling like i matter. I feel like i'm disappearing. and i feel like i'm already gone.